Memoir set in the 3 Valleys (Twin Tips in the Trois Vallées)
- Book: Belle de Neige: Tales of Catastrophe, Sex and Squalor from the Alpine Underbelly
- Location: Les Trois Vallées (The 3 Valleys)
- Author: Belle de Neige
Twin Tips meet Twin Peaks meet Lord of the Flies…
Down and dirty in the world of the chalet host. Belle de Neige has been blogging incognito for several years from Les Trois Vallées, France (apparently the world’s largest ski area) and this is her memoir of time served, mainly at Chalet Christina. If you are a parent with a teenage child – just out of school and just about to spend a Winter ‘gap-yah’ as a Seasonaire – this book is probably best avoided. If, however, you want the inside track of life on the piste, then this is a must-read.
Life on the mountain is indeed a testosterone fuelled cocoon. There are alcohol and drugs aplenty, shags galore and enough snow for all the snow bunnies to romp and revel into the early wee hours. Whether it is lashings of Mutzig (the seasonaire’s favourite beverage according to Yodel Magazine) or drinking Genepi out of a Wellington Boot… or, learning to graduate from a Jager Bomb, to a Jager Mega Drive, to a Jager Hand Grenade, all the while listening to the ubiquitous strains at The Drop Inn Bar of “Living Next Door to Alice” (yes, ok, we all recognise the song as Who the Fuck is Alice).
As the author observes: “ski resorts function unabashedly on the slave labour of randy British teenagers” and it is certainly true that the Brits abroad know how to party. But it is probably little wonder that people who live on top of one another, and who are the backbone of most ski resorts, lead life to the full – and occasionally over the top, whether it is shredding the slopes or managing to keep their personal lives together. Indeed, “extremity is normalised”. Surrounded by the enormity of landscape, the magnificent vistas, and the harshness and variability of the weather conditions, the mountains, simply put, have an odd effect on people.
Indeed, the life of a chalet host is not wholly the glamorous life one might think – it is more about cleaning toilets and dealing with clients, who often bowl up with the most outlandish habits and requests, that often keep the chalet host tethered to the toilet. In total, Belle reckons she polished the shower surround in the chalet about 300 times over the season. But a word of warning – if you phenomenally upset your chalet host or treat her (sometimes him – enter Belle’s eventual squeeze, Scruffy but Handsome) with disrespect, and she has well proven ways of getting back at you. Did you notice that your toothbrush had moved ever so slightly whilst you were out on the slopes? Be afraid, very afraid! Just give some thought to what it might have been used for (and you can be assured it won’t have been for cleaning teeth). Or Optrex? Meant for eyes but does wonders for the digestion if slipped into the diet – and this will only become apparent on departure (after all, the chalet host is not going to shoot herself in the foot by encouraging loose bowels in the chalet, is she? Just more skid marks to clear up).
Oh, and the hair, the sink gunk, the mess, the detritus, the visceral stains, the demands of punters, the cooking and warding off randy punters (or not) – all in a day’s work for our heroic chalet host. And all this for a free ski pass, and a lifestyle that is as far removed from city life and responsibilities as it can be. She is very clear that she would encourage her own children to experience this kind of life as it is a rite of passage…. so it can’t be all bad! And it isn’t, there is a huge amount of fun to be had.
This is a memoir full of acute observations, ballsy accounts, fun, lewdness, irony and so much more, and if you are heading for the Alps, make sure to pack it.
AND…. read our web chat with Belle de Neige on our blog here
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