Talking Location With … Terri Lewis: FRANCE
Acting Parisian. Top Tips from author Stephen Clarke
10th November 2023
Acting Parisian by Stephen Clarke, author of Merde at the Paris Olympics
Parisians have a reputation for being arrogant, pushy and unhelpful. This is mainly because it’s true. And I should know, because I am one.
The great thing about coming to Paris, whether as a visitor or a long-term resident, is that if you want to have a wonderful time here, you just need to act like a Parisian. I’ve been doing it for thirty years now, so I am in a position to offer a few tips.
The first one is that this appearance of unpleasantness is largely that – an appearance. It’s a survival technique, similar to the one perfected by those cute tropical puffer fish that inflate their poisonous, spiny chests if anyone hassles them.
Like a puffer fish, what Parisians want from life is to be left alone to get on with their lives. This is why they (or we) are so bad at queuing up. Queues are for people who have time to waste. Queue-jumping is therefore just a way of showing that you are on a more urgent mission than everyone else (like not arriving more than 15 minutes late to a meeting.)
If you find yourself in a Parisian queue, it is therefore crucial to watch out for queue-jumpers. An experienced Parisian will glide to the front of a queue “without noticing that it’s there”. You just have to say “Excusez-moi, il y a une file d’attente” (excuse me, there’s a queue) and point to its end. “File d’attente” by the way, avoids having to use the word “queue” which is also a vulgar term for the willy.
Demonstrations are Parisians’ way of reminding everyone that they’re right. Riots merely stress the point more emphatically.
It is necessary to say this loudly and with the confident smile of someone who knows they’re right. This is the key characteristic of a true Parisian – we are always right, and have to prove it.
Other queuers will show their solidarity with you, and your jumper will be forced to go to the back. In the ensuing confusion you might even be able to jump a few places.
You will notice that the above exchange was polite and civilized. This is because it is a grave error to provoke a confrontation with a Parisian. Being, as we all are, in the right, he or she will rise to the challenge and waste several precious minutes of your life.
Simply smile towards the waiter or waitress who is ignoring you, and they will eventually serve you. Shouting “garçon!” will achieve absolutely nothing. Photo: © MarieLiss
This need for politeness is especially necessary in any service industry context. If you’re being ignored by a Parisian who should be serving you, there is absolutely no point saying “Hey, I’m a customer, you should be serving me!” or its equivalent. You will only get bad or grudging service, or no service at all.
The key word here is “bonjour” (or in the evening “bonsoir”).
I was once in a posh department store during the sales (when I buy all my clothes). I overheard one sales assistant say to another “I hate the sales.” Her colleague replied, “And I hate the people who shop at the sales.” This was while I was hovering nearby hoping they would advise me about the shirts they were meant to be selling. But instead of openly expressing my frustration, I merely said, in a rising, sing-song voice, “Bonjour!”.
This, when accompanied with a hopeful smile, does not mean “hello”. It means “Yes, I’m here and I’m determined to be served by you so you might as well get on with it, and I’m smiling so I clearly respect you and therefore deserve respect.” It worked and I was successfully advised on the difference in collar size between M and L.
The thing is, you have to show people that – to appropriate the Sex Pistols – you know what you want and you know how to get it.
It’s the same with the fiercest-looking Parisian waiter or waitress. I spent years moaning helplessly “Je suis végétarien”, and my obvious weakness was often rewarded with offers of ham or chicken, which, in many Parisian minds, are not meat. Now, though, I’ll just smile confidently, say “Je voudrais le/la [insert name of dish containing meat] sans le/la [insert said meat],” and close the menu. Discussion over. Unless the meat is in a pre-prepared sauce, I’ll always get what I want, simply because I’ve proved that I want it.
The only area where this civilized self-assertiveness doesn’t work is on the road. If you rent a car in Paris (a hint – don’t), you should know that Parisians will collide with you, even at a very low speed, rather than give way.
Paris’s streets are pure anarchy for everyone. I know plenty of people who’ve rented bikes and had near-death experiences because drivers just don’t care. I’ve also known lots of pedestrians who rashly assume that the little green man means you can cross the road safely. Quelle naïveté! On Parisian roads, there is no point proving you’re right if you also turn out to be dead or injured.
So, to sum up: for a successful, highly enjoyable Parisian experience, you just have to mix apparent arrogance with politeness, as Parisians do. Except when negotiating traffic, in which case it’s best to act like the most terrified puffer fish in the presence of tiger sharks.
Bon voyage!
Stephen Clarke
Stephen Clarke’s latest novel is set in the trendy-yet-tough north of Paris. In Merde at the Paris Olympics, Englishman Paul West joins a campaign to get pétanque adopted as an Olympic sport.
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What a great post, Stephen. It filled my coffee break with smiles 🙂
I have first hand experience of the Parisian laissez-faire attitude to driving, very cringeworthy if you are not used to it. Having our host stop his car in the middle of the Arc de Triomphe roundabout, when he realised that we had become separated from him, then for him to climb onto the roof and wave with all his very short might until we spotted him and managed to muscle our way through the rush hour traffic to link up with him again, was embarrassing in the extreme. Then it became obvious why all Parisiennes drive beat-up, dented lumps of metal!!
I have yet to read any of the ‘Paul West’ series, but they are definitely heading for my wish list now – I have read and enjoyed ‘The Spy Who Inspired Me’